What was your experience with PND?

I’m not going to to lie, if you looking for an in depth long term account of post natal depression, you won’t get that from this post. Mine was short, very short in fact maybe a day or two long – you could even class as baby blues. But it has still affected me 2 years on.

I do like to keep my posts quite upbeat and see more of the funny side of parenting, but I’ve felt like this is a ‘have to’ post. Only because if I could of read something about someone feeling the same way it may have made me feel the slightest bit better with myself.

Never to this day, have I told anyone how I actually felt after giving birth apart from my partner and one good friend. I have plenty of amazing family and friends but it’s always been something I’ve been too ashamed of to share.

Put it this way, the stories you hear from friends, the things you see from celebrities, having your baby placed on you for the first time is the most magical moment of your life. For me it wasn’t. Lola was placed on me and I literally felt like someone had just plucked a baby out of thin air and placed her on me. I had no connection, I didn’t cry, and I didn’t feel that ‘first time’ love you are suppose to feel when you hold your tiny little new born. It felt like a stranger had put their baby on me.

Even now, feeling ready to talk about it, it feels awful putting it into words, I found myself saying what kind of mother am I if I couldn’t have that feeling?

I was fairly young, pregnant at 19 and gave birth at 20 so I really didn’t know what to expect or what I should be doing, but I knew I didn’t connect to my bump the way the other people had. Maybe that was the reason? I tried, and I tried hard but I’m one of those people where things don’t become real to me until they actually happen. So to me yes, there was a baby inside me but no I hadn’t seen it in the flesh so it wasn’t actually real to me yet.

Lola had a few complications so she wasn’t actually placed onto me first thing. She wasn’t breathing and had to be assessed quickly before I could actually hold her. It wasn’t serious and it was very quick, within minutes the problem was resolved and she was in my arms and midwives surrounded me trying to get me to breast feed!

To cut a long story short, no I didn’t love my child at first sight, I didn’t have that ‘feeling’ even though I was counting down the days to meet her. That right there has still haunted me until now.

Once I spent a few hours with her and I got her home I think I adapted better and I loved her unconditionally – as I do now. It was something so new to me, even though I had planned and waited for this day to come for months and months.

I couldn’t imagine my life without her, and my love for that child gets stronger every single day – if that’s even possible!

I know so many women that suffer horrendously with PND and it’s so good when you know your not alone, that’s what helps you through it. It’s not you, it’s not your baby, it’s just that horrible, horrible thing that decides to single some ladies out.

As I said, I like to try and keep most of my posts upbeat, but this is to you ladies reading. The mothers that have had this feeling, similar feelings or going through worse feelings right now. You are not alone. Don’t ever think you are! Don’t spend months dwelling on certain feelings like I did, talk to someone.

I think even this post has freed me a little from my guilt, and you know what, I can’t wait to eventually welcome baby no. 2 into the world.

Any kind of love can take time – don’t be pressured into your feelings by the way we see things in the media and perfect glamorous lifestyles. Becoming a mother isn’t glamorous, and being a mother isn’t glamorous. Yet it’s the most rewarding thing we will ever do.

Keep beating PND!

I’d love to hear your comments, or personal chats feel free to get in contact via email.